a friend and colleague – a treasure

to find a friend
so full of life and love
is a rare gift

she listens with purpose
cares with compassion
supports with wisdom
gives with generosity
laughs with a joyful heart

to find a colleague
so full of life and love
is another rare gift

she shares with understanding
forgives with grace
encourages with respect
plans with insight
engages with her whole being

and for me
to find both of these

good friend
good colleague

is a treasure
is my treasure

is you…

happy birthday jeri schultz

1/15/14

my brain feels full

my brain feels full

even in a moment
of quiet
i can’t shut off
all the things
that are filling my brain

it’s not always a bad thing
when my brain feels full
i get things done
i make lists
i am productive

but i am not calm
and my spirit does not feel quiet

my brain feels full of good things –
relationships
family
accomplishments
joy
&
love

my brain feels full of challenging things –
deadlines
suffering
pressure
grief
stress
&
fear

my brain feels full
and my spirit craves empty

my life is full
yet i need moments of space

so when i find my brain full
i will try to make some empty spaces

to fill with
me

change

change
changes
changing

life is in a constant state of change –

some changes are good

babies are born
accolades are received
relationships are built

some changes are sad

distance creates loneliness
illness leads to limitations
miscommunication breeds frustration

time moves us forward
sometimes making changes
more difficult to understand

my daughter
reaching adolescence
is changing

my mother
fighting pain
is changing

my friend
accepting difficult life decisions
is changing

my husband
living with uncertainty
is changing

my family
growing and shrinking
is changing

my friend
moving away
is changing

and me?
what about me?
am i changing?

or are all of these changes

changing me?

change
changes
changing

each day there is newness
each moment i have choices
i will take on life’s changes

with hope…

sharing our pain

when people i love
are hurting,
my heart hurts too –

and i’ve been learning
it takes energy
to have a hurting heart

my mind feels
jumbled
my focus seems
scattered
my passions have been
weakened

all because my heart hurts?

but i’m seeking some focus
i’m yearning for my passion –

it’s not gone forever…
just on a hiatus?

so while the people i love
are hurting,

i will be fine.

i will use some of me
to hurt with them

and i will use some of me
to rediscover my focus

and i will use some of me
to pour strength into the things that i love

and i will rest
in the knowledge that
loving others comes with a price…

the price of sharing our pain

which is worth sharing our love

limited

today i feel limited
by pain
by tasks
by schedules

by life

and only i can control
my reaction to these limits

i can see my pain
as a restriction of activity
or a reconstructive resting

i can see my tasks
as overwhelming obligations
or challenging opportunities

i can see my schedule
as hectic rushing
or memorable moments

i can see my life
as busy chaos
or harmonious living

my limits
are only limiting
if i let them
limit me

so i will try to live

unlimited

A quiet pause

my life is busy-loud

there are noisy schedules
and rapid appointments
there are distracting sights
and stressful deadlines

it feels like
i’m directing
the orchestra
of my chaotic life
and i don’t always know the song

but right now –
in these days that follow christmas,
i have found

a quiet pause

there are soft lights
and soul-felt harmonies
there are comfortable friendships
and a slower tempo

and i know
my busy-loud
will return

soon.

too soon.

so i am savoring
my quiet pause

(close your eyes
listen to your life
breathe a slower breath
find your quiet pause)

and hold it tightly
for as long as you can…

juggling

life is like a juggling act
balancing balls
in moving harmony

sometimes i choose
the balls:
books to read
friends to enjoy
places to visit

sometimes the balls
are responsibility:
work to accomplish
bills to pay
family to care for

sometimes the balls
are a mess to clean up:
relationships broken
deadlines looming
communication misread

but i am the juggler
i can control the balls

can i control the balls?

the balls can be
heavy and light and smooth and sticky and old and new
all together
being juggled

the balls can be
happy and sad and love and mistrust and hope and fear
all together
being juggled

so how do i juggle
the balls of my life?

i stay focused
i stand firm
i keep trying

and when the balls fall
and i know they will fall

i pick them up
and start juggling again

one ball at a time…

complicated me

sometimes
i do things
because i am afraid

afraid to lose something valuable
fearful i will offend
scared of rejection

sometimes
i do things
because i am tired

tired from unrealistic expectations
weary from unknown diagnoses
exhausted from responsible anxiety

sometimes
i do things
quietly

read in the morning
savor coffee
say nothing

sometimes
i do things
loudly

shout at the children
scream with excitement or surprise
laugh from pure joy

too loudly?

maybe…

sometimes who i am
is not easy
to know

or understand

and today i am grateful for
the mixed-emotional
multi-dimensional
interwoven thing called life

and today i am grateful for
people who stand by
complicated me

i hurt too

what causes hurt?
physical pain?
illness?
misunderstanding?

can the feeling of regret hurt?

when frustration
comes out
in ugly ways
does the reaction
cause hurt

for ourselves?
for others?

i think of my daughter
mad at her brother
punches him
to show her anger
but her aggression
hurts her heart

i think of myself
exasperated by a student
shouted at him
to motivate
but my tone
hurts my community

so what causes hurt?
it has many sources

and when i feel hurt
i hope i remember
the cause
may be hurting too

second chances

everyday
i feel like
i need
second chances

i say something
edgy
on my way out the door

my frustration
is obvious
when i help with homework

i make a lesson
more complicated
than it needs to be

so who deserves my second chances?

my family?
my daughter?
my students?

or me

as a mom
i give out
infinite do-overs
my forgiveness repeats
as lessons are learned

as a teacher
i teach and reteach lessons
until my students have met
(or at least partially met)
our learning goals

but is it somehow
easier to give out
second chances
to people who are
6
or
8
or
9 years old?

what about people who are
36
or
40
or
58 years old?

do we all get
second chances?
do we give them to others?

i have learned to believe
we all deserve
second chances

new beginnings
clean slates

maybe we ask for them
or maybe we have to create them for
ourselves

but everyone should be given
second chances

to start over
to redefine their story
to fix a problem
or move on from a mistake

we all
deserve
chances to be new

and i’ll start by
freely giving
second chances
to those around me

and i’ll start by
freely giving
second chances
to me